Monday, June 5, 2006
"Anonymous Law Firm"
This site is extremely funny. I especially enjoyed the firm's approach to recruitment:
Every year, thousands of lawyers leave their firms to pursue other opportunities, or realize they aren't cut out for law firm work and decide to end their lives. Our firm is no exception, and to replace the fine employees we lose each year, and their billable hours, it is critical that we find fresh blood.
Our recruiting department seeks out the best and brightest graduates of top law schools, as well as associates and partners feeling unappreciated at their current places of work and imagining that the grass is greener someplace else. Our grass may or may not be greener. We try to keep it green, but sometimes, as grass is apt to do, it turns a nasty shade of brown. Nonetheless, and despite the rough patches of concrete between the tufts of grass, we are among the most aggressive firms in the pursuit of sharp and able minds to fill the office chairs that go empty each season.
We look for associates who have what it takes to succeed here: a hearty work ethic, a keen understanding of the law, an eye for detail, an ability to be influenced, a heart of stone, and a lack of outside interests and pursuits....We share a fundamental spirit of hierarchy at the Firm. Hierarchy drives virtually every aspect of life here. Your place in the hierarchy determines the assignments you get, the size of your office, the amount of client contact you receive, the varieties of donuts you're eligible to choose from during office celebrations, the bathroom you may use, the price of soda in the vending machine, the amount of vacation you will be teased with, and, of course, your base compensation.
An ideal associate here is someone who could one day become a partner of the Firm, but won't last quite that long. Sure, you'll stay until the finish line is in sight, but then something will pull you away. Perhaps an illness. Perhaps an accident. Perhaps a carefully-worded threat. But something. Something terrible. Yet wonderful at the same time....We are committed to growth. While many firms plan their futures carefully, we expand aggressively whenever we can, and then deal with the consequences later. The partners have little to worry about when the firm needs to contract. It's only the associates who have to worry. And we look for people who won't. People who don't worry, think, reflect, or ponder. People who work. And who work hard. Harder than anyone ought to work. But for the good of the firm. People who realize the work we do is critical. Or who think the work we do is critical, regardless of whether or not it actually is. Or who simply don't have anything better to do....